so I watched I, Robot many moons ago. One scene always struck me. Spooner wakes up after having yet another dream about accident he was in, rolls with pain onto the side of him that he lost his arm, which was replaced. He sits up, rubs his "bad" arm, looks down at the ground, then takes his gun and taps it against his head saying "Get the hell outta there", then puts the gun down to get ready to face the day.

He's not suicidal, he just sleeps with a gun due to his paranoia, and he's performing a futile attempt to try to forget these memories. While not the same thing, I suffer something similar.

As most people who know me know, I usually have a good memory. Meaning if I haven't instantly forgotten it, I will usually remember it forever. I also have done A LOT of stupid shit in my life. There are times I can be sitting there, and one of these memories comes into my mind, and it's just so horrible/embarrassing/shameful to me, that it almost causes me to shut down. It's tough to express to people why I feel the way I do, and this is no different. I know that in AA and NA, etc... a few of the steps concern taking an inventory, admitting your faults, and apologizing to those you have wronged. I have been hearing about things like Secrettweet.com and F*ck My Life, and thought that it might be a way to try to make my "shame" public, but it's anonymous. If I want to truly get something out there, I can't do it anonymously. So I'm going to use my twitter account to get these previously hidden shames out. Maybe this will help me get over these things, and help me heal so I'm a less damaged person.

So if anyone wants to check it out, they should be available here, once Twitter stops acting wonky today: http://hashtags.org/search?query=%23jerseycamconfession&submit=Search.